This Question Seems Strange at First
Someone spray paints your wall, you feel stress, and you want do The Work. So you write a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on the person who did it. Line 1 sounds something like this, “I am furious with them because they damaged my property.” And the part you’re questioning is “They damaged my property.”
Does the subquestion, “How do you treat them?” have any meaning here?
(This is a subquestion for question 3 of The Work. You can find all of the subquestions for question 3 on the One-Belief-at-a-Time Worksheet.)
At First you Might Think That This Question Is Not Relevant
You might think, “I’m not treating that person at all. They aren’t even here. How could I treat someone one way or the other if I don’t even know who they are?”
But this is just a limited way of thinking about the question. How I treat someone doesn’t have to be restricted to what I physically do or say. How I treat them can also include how I treat them in my mind.
For example, when I think “They damaged my property,” I might call them names, “Stupid! Low down! Scum!” Without ever saying a word to them, I have just treated them quite badly in my mind.
How I Treat Them in my Mind Counts
The Work is only about my internal experience.
And when I call someone stupid in my mind, it affects my internal experience. I feel constricted inside. It hurts me to treat someone badly, even in my mind.
It is merely circumstance that they were not around for me to yell at them. My intention was to yell. So the deed is as good as done.
Same thing if I wanted to hurt them, punish them, make them suffer. Just wanting revenge can be included in “how I treat them,” even if I don’t actually take revenge. Just seeing them as the enemy instead of as another human being can also be a part of how I treat them.
This Question Shows Me How Low Down I Can Be
I may keep my mouth shut. It may never be seen. But, if I’m reacting by insulting, hurting, or punishing someone, even in my mind, I am just as low as I think they are.
This question helps me see that. It helps level the playing field.
It shows me how I create my own stress, my own internal suffering, by attacking them in my mind.
When I See This, My Attachment to my Belief Loosens
I start to notice that the damage they did to my property pales in comparison to the damage I’m doing to myself as I mentally rage against them.
The Work is just about noticing. I start to notice what I am doing to them in my mind, and how it’s causing me pain. And in doing so, I just found the real cause of my suffering: not them but me.
With this new understanding, I’m now much more open to continue to question 4 and the turnarounds.
Subquestions Are Always Optional
I very often find the subquestion, “How do you treat them?” to be relevant. Sometimes, “how I treat them” is nothing more than putting more distance between them and me. It can be very subtle.
But like all other subquestions for question 3, there are times when “How do you treat them?” doesn’t make any sense. If that’s the case, there’s no need to use it.
Subquestions are always optional.
Have a great weekend,
Todd
“Question 3: How do you react when you think that thought? With this question, we begin to notice internal cause and effect. You can see that when you believe the thought (and it’s okay to believe it), there is an uneasy feeling, a disturbance that can range from mild discomfort to fear or panic. Since you may have realized from question 1 that the thought isn’t even true for you, you’re looking at the power of a lie. Your nature is truth, and when you oppose it, you don’t feel like yourself. Stress never feels as natural as peace does.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is
If you like this article, feel free to forward the link to friends, family or colleagues. Or share the link on Facebook or other social media. If you have thoughts you’d like to share about it, please leave your comments below.
Get two new articles about The Work of Byron Katie every week. Subscribe to the newsletter here.
